Personal Independence Prayer ~ there have to be kinder, more generous, less cruel ways of sharing the planet and her resources more fairly.....

I did not know that I was born with an non compacted heart muscle until eighteen months ago. I had been painting heart shaped labyrinths and rainbow labyrinths for over six years. I painted a 10’ x 8’ rainbow labyrinth six months before I was diagnosed. I like to think that my heart was trying to get my attention and telling me in dreams and paintings that the layers of both the earth and the human being are labyrinthine colours of the rainbow and that I have a right to be here and valuable contributions to make to the world. I fell in love with my heart when I saw her dancing. It does not matter to me that she dances differently to so called “normal” hearts. When I am painting, I am dancing heart to heart with the earth, filling myself with hope.

Rainbow Surround Us, Rainbow Within

violet spirit mysterious wise

atoms galaxies human divine

indigo night vision seeing

noticing exploring envisioning dreaming

blue sky ocean

voice nose ears

whisper thunder story

listening remembering tears

emerald forest breath touch

healing feeling desire love

yellow rock muscle bone

will power passion strong

amber magma blood fire

erupting birthing creating wild

ruby core essence art

dancing rhythm courage heart

Earth rainbow labyrinth deep

silence solitude stillness peace

by 

Bríd Wyldearth 2014

This last month has been a lesson in valuing myself, my art work and my friends. I asked someone to make me an offer for one of my rainbow labyrinths. When I asked this, I honestly did not have a clue what I thought it was worth but when I came to hand it over, I could not make myself give it away for less than I knew it was worth suddenly, and, since I had intended to give the money away, I knew it was not out of greed that I wanted more than the person offered. I did however feel ashamed of myself for accepting the low offer, both because it felt like by accepting it, I was devaluing both my art and the cause I wanted to support by selling it. 

Concurrently, I was preparing to enter the above rainbow labyrinth into the 2014 Disability Arts Cymru Exhibition:

http://www.zequs.com/campaign/disability-arts-cymru-exhibition#.VGzEYFesWYGhttp://www.disabilityartscymru.co.uk/visual-arts/dac-annual-exhibition-2014/

and I knew how much it was worth and that I owed it to the painting to get it professionally framed.
I painted this labyrinth before I started to fill in my PIP form. It is a prayer to help me do it easily without getting too exhausted and depressed, to be successful in my application, hopefully without having to endure the anxiety and indignity of an examination or interview and a prayer to the government and the world to change the way in which those who need help can get it without shame and humiliation and being accused of causing national and global debt. Would not true personal independence come from a system and bureaucracy guided and lead and run by disabled people for disabled people? I like the idea that this picture will be on public display while my PIP form is being processed.

Bruised

I am not sure why I was tearful this morning. I was aware of not wanting to face anyone or tell anyone. I have low blood pressure at the moment which is making me feel dizzy and nauseous. I have also had the largest bruise of my life which I presume has something to do with my taking Warfarin although my INR seems stable.

While I was wondering and trying to escape the tears, I remembered about being gentle with myself. I also decided to do a rainbow labyrinth mandala meditation with a focus on being and feeling bruised. I did this even though what i wanted to do was lie down. Every mandala I do takes on a life of her own and today, as usual, I found myself lost in the colour and the process. I had been praying for the bruise to disburse but was not focussing on this as I painted so I was surprised when this emerged. By the end of the process I was no longer feeling tearful and I was reminded that all feelings are temporary.

Wyldharted

Wyld Hart © Bríd Wyldearth

Non compacted left ventricular cardiomyopathy is a bit of a mouthful. I want to blog about having it because it is thought to be rare and I have yet to find anything written by another person with this kind of heart. Wild Hart is the only blog name that I liked that blogger would allow me to have but now that I have started writing, I realise how appropriate and affirming it is. This is the first time in the year since I was hospitalised and diagnosed with non compacted left ventricular cardiomyopathy that I have found a positive spin on it. My heart muscle failed to compact in the womb and while of course I would rather this had not happened, I like the idea that my heart had a mind of her own right from the very beginning and refused to be constrained by the rules of so called normality.

When I saw her dancing on her first echo gram, I fell in love with her. The beauty of her dance took my breath away. I could not tell from seeing her dancing whether or not there was anything wrong with her and in that moment it did not matter. She was and is perfect in her imperfection.  She has, against significant odds kept me alive up until now. I later found out that she was acting like a frightened wild animal, a deer maybe, racing and panicking, making things worse in an effort to escape both the discomfort of feeling short of breath and the terrifying confinement of the busy, beeping,  sleep disturbing hospital. The beautiful dance I was witnessing was a dance towards obsoletion. I did not choose to use an obsolete spelling of hart but in these circumstances, it seems appropriate.

I hope to be dancing with my wild hart for a good while yet and I hope to use this blog to record how I am learning to dance with her and listen to her and make the best use I can of the resources that are available to me.

For the last ten years or so I have been painting heart shaped labyrinths and for the last couple of years i have been painting rainbow labyrinths and for the last three months they have become free form water colour meditations as depicted above. If this coincidental to my having cardiomyopathy, then it is a very happy and interesting coincidence. If it was my wyld hart trying to contact me through my deep inner consciousness, I would not be at all surprised.